Healing

Ah... The joys of pregnancy. I have had for pregnancies now. And every single one I have ended up in the hospital for one reason or another, before my due date. 

My first pregnancy was a miscarriage. I decided to let my body due the natural thing and pass the baby on it's own. I lost so much blood too fast and ended up in the ER worried I was going to need a blood transfusion. Luckily I didn't and everything passed ok and I healed the way I needed too. 

Second pregnancy was Kael. I had extremely high blood pressure and bladder infections galore. I ended up in triage several times for pre term contractions due to the infections and blood pressure. Baby was always fine but my dang body was just not happy about being pregnant.

Third pregnancy went pretty uneventful for quite a while. No infections. No blood pressure problems. I was just miserable because I was not happy about having a baby use my lungs as a pillow or a soccer ball. Then Chase went to the lake ALL DAY. And of course things always seem to go wrong when my poor husband leaves. Anyone who's been to the lake knows how hard it is to get calls. So I'm hanging out with Kael doing some cleaning and I'm having some contractions. I contract my entire pregnancy so I'm not too worried until I realize they are starting to get more consistent. I lay down, drink some water and say a little prayer. Well a few hours later they are still really consistent, so I try to call Chase and have no luck. I call my mom to watch Kael and I go into triage. I find out that I'm having consistent contractions and I have a bladder infection. CRAP!! So I only ended up in triage a few times with Claire's pregnancy for pre term contractions and bladder infections but I still ended up there anyways.

And now my fourth pregnancy. The moment I found out I was pregnant I had this gloomy, negative feeling. Like something just wasn't right. It was really weird. I just felt like something was wrong, but I didn't have any signs or anything to justify the feeling. I thought maybe I'm just being paranoid and negative. We went to the doctor and we did an ultrasound. We couldn't find the baby. Ugh. Really I'm having a false pregnancy? Finally, way up in the freaking corner there was the baby. Heartbeat at all. Lil' turd was playing hide n' seek. So we did blood work, measured and did all that prenatal stuff to make sure everything was fine. Everything was fine. No red flags. Nothing was wrong. So since I was gaining weight like a champ and feeling sick as a dog. I decided it was ok to start telling people I was expecting. I was started to get comfortable with the idea of being pregnant and the feeling of dread was going away. I've been working my butt off working out and dieting. I would weigh myself every morning to keep me motivated. Some ppl think I'm nuts for weighing myself everyday, but for me it kept me motivated. I wake up go pee and then weigh myself. I would look at the scale and see no progress or a pound lighter. If I was a pound lighter I would be happy and continue working hard. If I saw no progress or weight gain I would tell myself ok you need to do better today and I would push my self harder that day. Anyways I continued this routine after I got pregnant. I don't know why I just did. I wasn't dieting anymore. But I was still working out. I guess it was just habit. Anyways, I watched my weight climb and climb and climb. ugh. all that hard work. poop. So anyways, a week before the miscarriage I woke up and did my morning routine of weighing myself. I lost a pound. huh? Ok..... maybe I'm finally slowing down with the weigh gain. Next day. Lost another pound. Ok... maybe the switch from dieting to no dieting caused me to gain weight really fast and now I'm leveling out. Next day. I weighed the same. Ok things are fine. I did notice I was starting to have more good days than sick days but I figured it's cause I was getting ready to enter my second trimester and with my other pregnancies as soon as week 13 rolled around I wasn't sick any more. So again I didn't think anything of it and I had a doctor's appt coming up so I figured I was just talk to her about it then. Also I've been keeping my bladder infections in control since I started using some natural remedies. So I wasn't worried about that either. 

Then Sunday morning rolls around. I am officially 12 weeks pregnant. We have early church so we get up and everything seems fine. I notice I am cramping a little bit but nothing different than what I normally feel. So no red flags. We sit in sacrament meeting, enjoy the talks and still nothing wrong. After I help Chase take the kids to class, give them their hugs and kisses and send them on their way. I told Chase I was going to hit the bathroom before sunday school. That's when it happened. I was bleeding. I knew what is was. I was miscarrying. I just started sobbing. Luckily no one was in there. I panicked and tried to find Chase. I couldn't so I went to go get my kids out of class. We needed to get to the ER fast to find out what was wrong. At this point I'm still sobbing and in a frenzied panic to get the hey out of there. One of my friends saw me and I told her what was happening. She said go find Chase and I'll get your kids. So I did. She brought my kids to me as I had just found Chase. I told him what was happening. We went home changed and called my mom. She took the kids and we headed to his dad for a blessing. I had called the doc on the way there. She called me back and calmed me down and said it might not be a miscarriage. But I still knew. So after I talked to her she said lets wait it out and see if the bleeding stops before you come in. I got a blessing. I still knew. The baby was gone. I got a wonderful blessing that instantly made my heart feel better. I knew no matter what everything would be ok. I knew I was losing the baby but I was ok and everything was going to be ok. 

We went back to my mom's to wait a little while. The bleeding started to stop. So we took the kids home to eat lunch and nap. As soon as I got home the cramping started to feel different. There was no more bleeding but these cramps were definitely different. I knew we needed to go into the ER. We decided to eat dinner then head in. I packed the kids some pjs just in case we were there a really long time. Oh and we definitely were. We waited three hours in the waiting room. Luckily they did my blood work and all that stuff before we got back to a room so we wouldn't have to wait long after we got back there. But it was still such a horrible wait. I cramped the entire time I was in there. I felt like I was in labor. Well I was. Just at 12 weeks with a dead baby instead of 40 weeks with a healthy baby. I lost my mucus plug and I lost it. I just started sobbing because I just didn't want to do this again. My baby was gone and I didn't want to feel that loss again. We continued to wait in the waiting room and then it hit me. The flood. Seriously there is no other way to describe it. I cursed and told Chase it was starting and if I didn't get into the bathroom right now it's going to be all over the floor. He ran to the nurses station to let them know and I ran to the bathroom. The nurse came and got me and they took me straight back to a room. I was loosing so much blood it was insane. I was so worried that because I was further along that it was going to be worse than last time and I was just panicking. I knew I wasn't going to be able to handle it. Finally after more waiting and checking and talking and labs. The told me I was miscarrying. DUH. I'm sitting on a bed in a puddle of my own blood (sorry gross, I know) but seriously I was so annoyed with this idiot ER doctor who put me thru unnecessary physical pain to tell me something I already knew. I told them to call my doctor now. So they did. She came in and we decided the best thing was to do an emergency D&C surgery. So they drugged me up and checked my cervix to make sure that was the right decision. Doctor said good to go and then they took me to the OR prep room. By this point I'm loopy with relaxing drugs. I had gas and I was so worried I was going to fart during surgery. Ha ha. Me and Chase giggled and made stupid jokes to lighten the mood. This made me feel so much better. They cleaned me up and had me sign papers and explained how things were going to go. Then they rolled me to the operating room and I kissed Chase good-bye. They told me to slide my booty over to the operating table and then the last thing I remember is hearing all the people walking around and moving me and hooking me up to stuff and setting things up. They told me to take deep breaths and when I wake up it will all be over. 

I woke up to some nurses and Chase talking to me. My throat felt like I had a tube shoved down it, which it probably did, and I was so tired and dizzy. Everytime I opened my eyes the room would feel like it was spinning and the lights felt so freaking bright. I remember them telling me things and I would say something stupid and I would hear Chase laugh. Apparently I thought I was a comedian and was telling jokes. Ha, ha. Chase was the only one there to hear and laugh at my jokes though. I remember only bits and pieces but I was pretty dang funny if I do say so myself. They asked me where my clothes were so they could help my get dressed. They were covered in blood so they gave me some awesome paper scrubs to ride home in. By this time it was three in the morning. The ride home was awful. The movement made me so sick. As soon as I got home I yarffed. Then I crawled into bed and was gone.

This whole week has been such a roller coaster. Claire's birthday was Monday and we were going to have a party for her. I felt so bad that we had to cancel. I felt great physically Monday so I figured we would just have a party for her Tuesday so we could have a happy day for her. Tuesday I woke up and I felt like I was hit by a train. I was so freaking sore. My back hurt, my neck hurt and my arms hurt. I had a red stripe on my arm where the IV was and we were worried I had a blood clot or infection. I called the doc and made appt for the next day. We still had the birthday party that night and I'm glad we did cause it was nice to see ppl and visit and not think about what had happened. At my appt the next day my IV site was fine just a funny reaction to the tape. But I got to ask her some questions about the surgery. She said it was a good thing we did the D&C and the baby looked like it died at about 10 to 11 weeks. Which was when things felt different. She said continue to rest and heal.
So many people from my ward had heard about what happened and called and shared their love and kindness. I feel so loved. Friends and family and ward members have helped me and just made me feel so special. I thank everyone for all their prayers, love and kindness. I hate talking about what happened. It makes me angry that my baby died. I'm so sad and hurt. I'm grieving for a loss that I never really got to have. Miscarriages are so hard to go thru. You feel like your child died. Which it did but at the same time it wasn't really big enough to be considered a child medically. But as a women you feel love for this unborn child the moment you pee on that stick. Your heart makes room for this new love in your life. And then it's just gone in a flash. And your left sorting out all the extra hormones and feelings. The church doesn't have a lot of answers on the topic either. So your left sorting thru everything on your own. And that's really hard. It's really hard to be positive and look for the blessing in such a horrible experience. 

But my reason for expressing all my feelings is I wanted to remember what I learned this week from this experience. I was dreading Sunday. People knew what had happened, not everybody but enough to make me feel like I couldn't face all the, "how are your feeling" and "are you ok" questions. Because I was barely holding it together and I knew if anyone asked me those questions I would just lose it. But I knew that I needed to go. I needed to move on and forward. My Heavenly Father blessed me with kindness so many times this week and turning my back on Him because I couldn't face people is a pretty lame excuse. So I went. I felt His love so strong. Those talks were for me, those lessons were for me. He knew I needed to hear everything that was talked about. He knew how much it would touch my heart and give me strength. There was so much talk about service. The Lord serves us because He loves us. We serve others because we love them. People are strengthened because of service and love. Mosiah 2:17 'And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of you God.'  Wether you are a member or not people need to feel loved. It's how we survive our trials. We need to know that we are not alone in our suffering and that someone loves and cares about us. Serving others blesses not only their lives, but your own as well. I love to bring dinner to those who need it. It makes me feel like I did something useful in helping someone other than just offering. But just offering is just as important too. All those people who offered help made me feel so loved that they were just thinking of me and wanted to offer kindness. That alone was enough for me. That alone has helped me get thru this week. Knowing that I am loved. As much as I hate all the attention and people asking questions. Just the fact that they came over or called or just gave me a hug or just offered help made my burden seem a little lighter. God loves everyone. We are not alone in our trials. He is always there when we need Him. In relief society they gave us a challenge, pray so that you know when you can serve someone. So I challenge you to do the same. Don't just pray for someone to serve, pray that you will know when someone needs to be served. It could be that you see someone at the store who might need a little help. Or you just have this feeling to bring a treat over to someone in your neighborhood. Anything. Serve each other and you will bless others and you will feel of Gods love. He is real and so is His love.

Random Happenings

Ok, so blogging hasn't been on my list of things to do lately. My list is just too dang big and updating our family happenings is on the bottom of the list. The kids are napping and I have no desire to do anything at the moment so here I am. I have been horrible at taking pictures lately. So my goal since the holidays are right around the corner is to be better.

Me and Chase have started school this semester. Yes, me too!! Chase is at ASU finishing up his pre med stuff. He takes the MCAT this summer and we start the application process. Crazy it takes a whole year to do. But I'm excited that this chapter in our life is finally coming to a close. Next chapter.... MEDICAL SCHOOL!!!!

We had a goal of staying driving range of no more than 14 hrs away from Mesa, AZ so that we can be close to family. So that really help narrow down the massive list of schools we had to filter threw. We have a good count of 10 schools right now from California to Nebraska to Texas. Our obvious first choice is to stay here in good ol' Arizona. U of A has a Phoenix campus and a Tucson campus.... ugh.... We would like to get into the Phx campus so we don't have to move but we will suck it up and go to Tucson if need be. I'm dreading Tucson because it is seriously such an ugly place. :( I know I'm mean but really... ask yourself would you move there?! Really? Anyways you can't beat the great tuition price we would get if we stayed in-state, and less debt is a big plus! We haven't really decided on a second choice yet. We like Loma Linda, CA; Aurora, CO and Omaha, NE. I know, really.... Nebraska. Well the reason behind that one is they have a campus here in AZ so for two years we would live in NE and then move back to AZ for his 2 clinical years. But that's a lot of moving too. So who knows where we will end up. All I know is we will eventually have to move. Because when he does his residency there are no options in AZ and not a lot of openings anywhere else. So we won't get a much of a choice. We'll gladly take anything.

Then there's my school. Good ol' MCC. I'm learning how to become a professional seamstress. I'm only able to take a couple classes since Chase is in school full-time. But I really love my classes. I seriously love sewing and constructing clothes. I've been told I have a real talent for it and it's something I could do from home. So I'm super excited to learn more about it. My classes are so stinkin' easy I'm annoyed I didn't do this sooner. I'm just so excited about it though!! My great grandma was an amazing seamstress and I feel honored to have gotten some of her talent and put it to good use. Any one ever want to learn some basic sewing let me know I can help you get started it's so fun!!

Then there's the pregnancy. Let's see.... I was shocked about this one. We didn't expect it this soon. And it's the worst timing too. But we will manage. I'm due April 26th right at Chase's finals and I won't be able to go to school next semester because I'll miss the whole last weeks of school. So that's a bummer but other than that we are super excited to have another adorable munchkin running around to had to our craziness. I love being a mom! Seriously it's so fun. We are such a circus and life seems ridiculous at times but we have fun.

And proof of our crazies is this little girl. She is seriously a handful. She can destroy my house in no time flat all by herself. She causes more destruction than the rest of us all together. 

But really she is the cutest thing ever. Both of them are. They have such great lil' imaginations. Like, Claire the other day told me some wild story about a monster and a spider, and they bit her butt so she ate them and then spit them out and gave them back and shared them with the nice monster. Weirdo.

Oh no worries Kael tells some awesome stories too. I love listening to them play pretend. 

My kids are goofy. Just like mom and dad. But we have fun together and we love each other (most of the time). 

Well the kids are awake time to get back to damage control.

Oops we did it again

So... Guess the word is starting to get out so it's time I officially spill the beans. We are expecting baby #3 on April 26th!! A bit sooner than we planned but it's all good. I'm not far along at all and not showing yet either thank goodness. All that working out paid off. I'm almost 8 weeks along and feeling quite dizzy with this one. I get dizzy then it makes me nauseous. But other than that I'm feeling pretty good. We aren't going to find out what we are having with this one. We thought it would be fun leaving it a surprise. My guess is a girl and chase's guess is a boy (just because I think it's a girl) we will see who's right in April.

Oh and Kael found a way for us to earn some money for the new baby. ;)

Kids day!!

Today was a day devoted to the kids. We have been super busy and I felt like they werent getting much of our attention. So Chase and Kael made pancakes together this morning and then as a family we tried a new recipe for jello cookies. The dough can be used as playdough then you make them in to cookies when your done. We didn't bake the kids dough cause they were a little iffy. The cookies tasted nummy though. The kids had so much fun playing with the dough and they were happy to get some much needed attention. Later that night we visited nana and papa and they decided to snuggle up in their bed to watch cartoons.

Butterfly Boy

So I've been really slacking on my mom duties the last week cause I been having health issues and feeling pretty crappy. When you feel like garbage the last thing you want to do is clean and cook. Anyways Kael found some scissors some how or maybe it was Claire cause she can find just about anything she shouldn't. Either way Kael ended up with the scissors and decided to cut some hair. His and Claire's!! It could've been so much worse but luckily it wasn't. He basically scalped the front of his head so we had to go to nana's to give him super duper short buzz. Claire on the other hand, we kept find long chucks of hair all over the place but couldn't find where it was cut. So I was thinking we were in the clear. Well at dinner time I was sitting next to her and she had a wild short chunk of hair sticking out. She had huge pieces of hair missing but we lucked out and it's covered by a top layer. Then while we were at nana's house getting Kael's hair fixed he was running around with the dog being his crazy, clutsy self and ran into the cabinets and his forehead collided with the counter. He split open his head pretty good. We butterflied him up and he's good as new. Crazy boy. Hopefully we don't have any more days like this for a while.

Lil momma

Claire has been obsessed with her babies lately. She wants to feed it real food, change its diaper and all that good stuff. I heard her playing in her room quietly. The quiet should've been my red flag. Well she came and said i change baby poop. She was covered from head to toe in baby powder. And so was her baby. ;)

Kael

Ok. Seriously I just love this little boy. He has such a tender little heart and he is just so dang smart. I just had to do a post just about him. I love Claire too. But Kael is my special boy, and if all my kids were just like him I would have a million of them. Don't get me wrong Claire is beautiful and just as special. With Claire being the baby, sometimes I forget about Kael and making sure he gets special attention. Claire has gotten extra attention because she was a newborn and then a fussy and BUSY baby and now an even BUSIER toddler. So Kael gets left in her dust a lot of the time. 

Recently though, Kael has quit taking naps. Not everyday is napless, but most of them are. Somedays he just needs that nap, or maybe just I do. I can't believe I have been able to keep him taking naps and he is 3 1/2!! Anyways, while Claire is napping, me and him have some time together. Some days we color quietly and others he plays in his room and I read a book. I have really been enjoying our 'quiet' time together recently because he will tell me stories. He will bring me toys and tell me stories about them or we will just talk and then he starts making up some fun stuff. Lately his stories have been about church. He loves primary. He will tell me tell me about what he learns in primary and then adds his own little flare in the parts he can't remember. I love listening to him. 

One of his more recent stories was about Jesus and how he is a hero.

He told me that Jesus is a hero because he keeps the booger man away and keeps us safe. And we pray to Him to talk to Him. 

He has also been extremely obsessed with the iPad and wanting to buy new games. I told him we could buy the games because we didn't have money to pay for it. This is usually the answer he gets when we are in the store and wants a toy. He tells me, well we need to get money. I told him that it has to be earned, you have to work for it, that's why daddy goes to work. This is usually where the conversation ends. But this time he went and found a quarter in our room, gives it too me and says, "Look, here is some money, I found it, now we can buy the game." I just laughed. He was pretty upset with me that I wouldn't use his money to buy him the game. 

He loves animals. I wish we could get him a dog or a kitty. Or even some chickens. I would love me some chickens and their delicious eggs. Anywho. He actually asked if he could have a puppy the other day. Shhh don't tell Chase. Unfortunately, animals are not in the cards for a while. At least until we figure out what the plan is with medical school. Before Claire was born Kael would play with my mom's dog and would tell us Rocky is his buddy. We went fishing and the fish were his friends. And BUGS are his friends too. There was a fly buzzing around the house the other day while we were eating lunch. It landed on Kael and he said, "look mom he wants to be my friend" Of course I said gross and shoo'd it away. Then it tried to land on his food and I did the same. Kael told me, 'but mom he wants to share my food with me.' I told him flys are dirty we don't share food with them. And as serious as he could be he said, 'Well then we need to give him a bath so he's not dirty.' 

Bahahaha.

See, isn't he just the funniest, most wonderful, little boy. He seriously cracks me up on a daily basis. He also can drive me bonkers with his non-stop-talking. But I just love him to pieces. He is my most favorite little boy, and I feel so blessed that he is in my life and choose me to be his mother.

Weirdos...

Ok... So I've come to the conclusion that my children are.... I guess... how do you say... well they are just plain ol' weirdos! Ha ha. Seriously. Especially Claire. But oh don't worry Kael comes in as a close second. Want proof?

Well here yeah go....

Claire decided at my mom's one night that she was sleepy. So she laid on the rug in the middle of the kitchen and 'tucked' herself in. She thought she was pretty hot stuff. And this is just one of the weird things she does.

 Kael on the other hand is having a hard time understanding that girls only wear 'pretties.' He doesn't understand why boys and girls are different and I just don't want to even go there right now so when he asks I'll give in. He'll wear necklaces and bracelettes every now and then. But one night he wanted me to put hair ties in his hair. I tried to explain that his hair was too short that it couldn't be done. He argued that indeed it could be done that I just had to try. So.... I figured what the heck. So I put some lil' pony tails in his hair and he was happy. Shortly after he got a buzz... daddy insisted.

 Don't worry just because he likes to wear 'pretties' doesn't mean he doesn't like to be 'manly' too!

 Uncle Hunter decided it would be funny to tape him to the tree. Kael was all for it... until he realized he couldn't get down. Ha ha.

 So who do you think the real culprit is?

She does look kinda guilty.... haha.

So, yes. My children are weird. Claire likes to just randomly stop when she is walking somewhere, bend over and lift one leg in air and strike a pose. She has does this move since she could walk. She loves to talk to herself. One night driving home, she had a 15 minute conversation with herself. She would say,

'dee dee'

'noooo'

'doo doo'

'noooo'

'bee bee'

'noooo'

'nah nah'

'noooo'

And this conversation went on like this for 15 minutes no joke. 

Anytime she hears any kind of music she starts dancing. She will be mid sentence and if she hears some tunes she busts a move. It could just be a jingle on tv and she will just start shakin' her booty. She has a huge fascination with body parts. Even the inappropriate ones. Oh yeah. And she thinks she's suppose to pee like a boy. I've tried to introduce potty training to her a bit. I've had Kael help me show her going potty on the toilet is fun. But this backfired and now she thinks she is suppose to stand up and pee. She will run into the bathroom and say potty potty. So I follow her in there and she proceeds to lift her shirt, lift the toilet seat, and lean her belly up against the toilet and 'pretends' to pee. Ummm. How to explain that to a toddler? Still working on that one. She loves her brother so much though. She seriously wants to do everything he does. It's no wonder she is confused why she has a 'special seat' and Kael doesn't. 

Kael loves to tell stories. He tells the most elaborate stories. He has been really into building forts lately. He ripped off the cushions to my couch and built himself a 'temple' fort the other day. Oh and he used the comforter from his bed and my laundry basket too. He thought he was brilliant in his design. Then when he was tired of the 'temple' he took the cushions and built a com 'fort' able bridge. Oh and I didn't come up with the name either. That is exactly how he pronounced it to me. I'm pretty sure it was an accident, but it just made me laugh. He also found a 'secret hiding place' too for him and Claire. In my linen closet the bottom doesn't have anything in it. So it's just this big empty floor space. He closed the door and I could hear him telling Claire, 'this is our special hide out ok?' 'it's dark in here but its ok cause there are no monsters or bad guys' Then he got really quiet and started to freakout. He didn't realize once he closed the door he couldn't get out. Don't worry mom was there to save the day. Normally, him destroying my couch and making a mess of his bed would not make me very happy and I wouldn't allow it, but I just loved watching him think about how to built his temple fort and bridge and I just couldn't take that away from him. He is such a goofy little kid.

They both are!

But they are my weirdos and I love them. 

Besides, their parents are weirdos too!!

Texas//Welcome Home Elder Houston

So we were blessed and were able to attend my cousin's homecoming. I wasn't too thrilled about going back to Texas in the summer again and the looooooooooooong drive but I'm so glad we were able to go. The kids had so much fun together. Seriously they were so 100% awesome. They played so well together. Kael and Braiden were best buds. And Houston and Claire were good buddies too. I was shocked because Claire is such a brat and Houston is such a Two year old. It was such a pleasant trip, I'm excited to go back..... when it's not freaking summer. haha. 

 We were able to go to the Gulf. I really wanted to go to the beach this summer. The kids had so much fun when we went in California. Let me tell you.... The Gulf is awesome!! Besides the ridiculous amounts of mosquitos we were fighting off, it was such a blast. I guess this time of year the seaweed washes up on the shore and starts to decompose. Well in California I just remember flies. Well Texas has mosquitos. A LOT of them. Swarms of them. Living in the seaweed. So it took us a while to find a spot that didn't have any. Which of course where there were tons of other people. But it wasn't too busy so it worked out. The WATER IS WARM in the gulf. I actually got in and swam. The only time I've swam in the ocean was in Hawaii where the water is warm too. The kids loved it too. They were hardly playing in the sand at all. It was too much fun in the water.

 They found cool shells

 And Kael boogie boarded

 Claire did have fun throwing muddy sand at daddy

 And by the end of the day we were all covered in sand!!