Healing

Ah... The joys of pregnancy. I have had for pregnancies now. And every single one I have ended up in the hospital for one reason or another, before my due date. 

My first pregnancy was a miscarriage. I decided to let my body due the natural thing and pass the baby on it's own. I lost so much blood too fast and ended up in the ER worried I was going to need a blood transfusion. Luckily I didn't and everything passed ok and I healed the way I needed too. 

Second pregnancy was Kael. I had extremely high blood pressure and bladder infections galore. I ended up in triage several times for pre term contractions due to the infections and blood pressure. Baby was always fine but my dang body was just not happy about being pregnant.

Third pregnancy went pretty uneventful for quite a while. No infections. No blood pressure problems. I was just miserable because I was not happy about having a baby use my lungs as a pillow or a soccer ball. Then Chase went to the lake ALL DAY. And of course things always seem to go wrong when my poor husband leaves. Anyone who's been to the lake knows how hard it is to get calls. So I'm hanging out with Kael doing some cleaning and I'm having some contractions. I contract my entire pregnancy so I'm not too worried until I realize they are starting to get more consistent. I lay down, drink some water and say a little prayer. Well a few hours later they are still really consistent, so I try to call Chase and have no luck. I call my mom to watch Kael and I go into triage. I find out that I'm having consistent contractions and I have a bladder infection. CRAP!! So I only ended up in triage a few times with Claire's pregnancy for pre term contractions and bladder infections but I still ended up there anyways.

And now my fourth pregnancy. The moment I found out I was pregnant I had this gloomy, negative feeling. Like something just wasn't right. It was really weird. I just felt like something was wrong, but I didn't have any signs or anything to justify the feeling. I thought maybe I'm just being paranoid and negative. We went to the doctor and we did an ultrasound. We couldn't find the baby. Ugh. Really I'm having a false pregnancy? Finally, way up in the freaking corner there was the baby. Heartbeat at all. Lil' turd was playing hide n' seek. So we did blood work, measured and did all that prenatal stuff to make sure everything was fine. Everything was fine. No red flags. Nothing was wrong. So since I was gaining weight like a champ and feeling sick as a dog. I decided it was ok to start telling people I was expecting. I was started to get comfortable with the idea of being pregnant and the feeling of dread was going away. I've been working my butt off working out and dieting. I would weigh myself every morning to keep me motivated. Some ppl think I'm nuts for weighing myself everyday, but for me it kept me motivated. I wake up go pee and then weigh myself. I would look at the scale and see no progress or a pound lighter. If I was a pound lighter I would be happy and continue working hard. If I saw no progress or weight gain I would tell myself ok you need to do better today and I would push my self harder that day. Anyways I continued this routine after I got pregnant. I don't know why I just did. I wasn't dieting anymore. But I was still working out. I guess it was just habit. Anyways, I watched my weight climb and climb and climb. ugh. all that hard work. poop. So anyways, a week before the miscarriage I woke up and did my morning routine of weighing myself. I lost a pound. huh? Ok..... maybe I'm finally slowing down with the weigh gain. Next day. Lost another pound. Ok... maybe the switch from dieting to no dieting caused me to gain weight really fast and now I'm leveling out. Next day. I weighed the same. Ok things are fine. I did notice I was starting to have more good days than sick days but I figured it's cause I was getting ready to enter my second trimester and with my other pregnancies as soon as week 13 rolled around I wasn't sick any more. So again I didn't think anything of it and I had a doctor's appt coming up so I figured I was just talk to her about it then. Also I've been keeping my bladder infections in control since I started using some natural remedies. So I wasn't worried about that either. 

Then Sunday morning rolls around. I am officially 12 weeks pregnant. We have early church so we get up and everything seems fine. I notice I am cramping a little bit but nothing different than what I normally feel. So no red flags. We sit in sacrament meeting, enjoy the talks and still nothing wrong. After I help Chase take the kids to class, give them their hugs and kisses and send them on their way. I told Chase I was going to hit the bathroom before sunday school. That's when it happened. I was bleeding. I knew what is was. I was miscarrying. I just started sobbing. Luckily no one was in there. I panicked and tried to find Chase. I couldn't so I went to go get my kids out of class. We needed to get to the ER fast to find out what was wrong. At this point I'm still sobbing and in a frenzied panic to get the hey out of there. One of my friends saw me and I told her what was happening. She said go find Chase and I'll get your kids. So I did. She brought my kids to me as I had just found Chase. I told him what was happening. We went home changed and called my mom. She took the kids and we headed to his dad for a blessing. I had called the doc on the way there. She called me back and calmed me down and said it might not be a miscarriage. But I still knew. So after I talked to her she said lets wait it out and see if the bleeding stops before you come in. I got a blessing. I still knew. The baby was gone. I got a wonderful blessing that instantly made my heart feel better. I knew no matter what everything would be ok. I knew I was losing the baby but I was ok and everything was going to be ok. 

We went back to my mom's to wait a little while. The bleeding started to stop. So we took the kids home to eat lunch and nap. As soon as I got home the cramping started to feel different. There was no more bleeding but these cramps were definitely different. I knew we needed to go into the ER. We decided to eat dinner then head in. I packed the kids some pjs just in case we were there a really long time. Oh and we definitely were. We waited three hours in the waiting room. Luckily they did my blood work and all that stuff before we got back to a room so we wouldn't have to wait long after we got back there. But it was still such a horrible wait. I cramped the entire time I was in there. I felt like I was in labor. Well I was. Just at 12 weeks with a dead baby instead of 40 weeks with a healthy baby. I lost my mucus plug and I lost it. I just started sobbing because I just didn't want to do this again. My baby was gone and I didn't want to feel that loss again. We continued to wait in the waiting room and then it hit me. The flood. Seriously there is no other way to describe it. I cursed and told Chase it was starting and if I didn't get into the bathroom right now it's going to be all over the floor. He ran to the nurses station to let them know and I ran to the bathroom. The nurse came and got me and they took me straight back to a room. I was loosing so much blood it was insane. I was so worried that because I was further along that it was going to be worse than last time and I was just panicking. I knew I wasn't going to be able to handle it. Finally after more waiting and checking and talking and labs. The told me I was miscarrying. DUH. I'm sitting on a bed in a puddle of my own blood (sorry gross, I know) but seriously I was so annoyed with this idiot ER doctor who put me thru unnecessary physical pain to tell me something I already knew. I told them to call my doctor now. So they did. She came in and we decided the best thing was to do an emergency D&C surgery. So they drugged me up and checked my cervix to make sure that was the right decision. Doctor said good to go and then they took me to the OR prep room. By this point I'm loopy with relaxing drugs. I had gas and I was so worried I was going to fart during surgery. Ha ha. Me and Chase giggled and made stupid jokes to lighten the mood. This made me feel so much better. They cleaned me up and had me sign papers and explained how things were going to go. Then they rolled me to the operating room and I kissed Chase good-bye. They told me to slide my booty over to the operating table and then the last thing I remember is hearing all the people walking around and moving me and hooking me up to stuff and setting things up. They told me to take deep breaths and when I wake up it will all be over. 

I woke up to some nurses and Chase talking to me. My throat felt like I had a tube shoved down it, which it probably did, and I was so tired and dizzy. Everytime I opened my eyes the room would feel like it was spinning and the lights felt so freaking bright. I remember them telling me things and I would say something stupid and I would hear Chase laugh. Apparently I thought I was a comedian and was telling jokes. Ha, ha. Chase was the only one there to hear and laugh at my jokes though. I remember only bits and pieces but I was pretty dang funny if I do say so myself. They asked me where my clothes were so they could help my get dressed. They were covered in blood so they gave me some awesome paper scrubs to ride home in. By this time it was three in the morning. The ride home was awful. The movement made me so sick. As soon as I got home I yarffed. Then I crawled into bed and was gone.

This whole week has been such a roller coaster. Claire's birthday was Monday and we were going to have a party for her. I felt so bad that we had to cancel. I felt great physically Monday so I figured we would just have a party for her Tuesday so we could have a happy day for her. Tuesday I woke up and I felt like I was hit by a train. I was so freaking sore. My back hurt, my neck hurt and my arms hurt. I had a red stripe on my arm where the IV was and we were worried I had a blood clot or infection. I called the doc and made appt for the next day. We still had the birthday party that night and I'm glad we did cause it was nice to see ppl and visit and not think about what had happened. At my appt the next day my IV site was fine just a funny reaction to the tape. But I got to ask her some questions about the surgery. She said it was a good thing we did the D&C and the baby looked like it died at about 10 to 11 weeks. Which was when things felt different. She said continue to rest and heal.
So many people from my ward had heard about what happened and called and shared their love and kindness. I feel so loved. Friends and family and ward members have helped me and just made me feel so special. I thank everyone for all their prayers, love and kindness. I hate talking about what happened. It makes me angry that my baby died. I'm so sad and hurt. I'm grieving for a loss that I never really got to have. Miscarriages are so hard to go thru. You feel like your child died. Which it did but at the same time it wasn't really big enough to be considered a child medically. But as a women you feel love for this unborn child the moment you pee on that stick. Your heart makes room for this new love in your life. And then it's just gone in a flash. And your left sorting out all the extra hormones and feelings. The church doesn't have a lot of answers on the topic either. So your left sorting thru everything on your own. And that's really hard. It's really hard to be positive and look for the blessing in such a horrible experience. 

But my reason for expressing all my feelings is I wanted to remember what I learned this week from this experience. I was dreading Sunday. People knew what had happened, not everybody but enough to make me feel like I couldn't face all the, "how are your feeling" and "are you ok" questions. Because I was barely holding it together and I knew if anyone asked me those questions I would just lose it. But I knew that I needed to go. I needed to move on and forward. My Heavenly Father blessed me with kindness so many times this week and turning my back on Him because I couldn't face people is a pretty lame excuse. So I went. I felt His love so strong. Those talks were for me, those lessons were for me. He knew I needed to hear everything that was talked about. He knew how much it would touch my heart and give me strength. There was so much talk about service. The Lord serves us because He loves us. We serve others because we love them. People are strengthened because of service and love. Mosiah 2:17 'And behold, I tell you these things that ye may learn wisdom; that ye may learn that when ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of you God.'  Wether you are a member or not people need to feel loved. It's how we survive our trials. We need to know that we are not alone in our suffering and that someone loves and cares about us. Serving others blesses not only their lives, but your own as well. I love to bring dinner to those who need it. It makes me feel like I did something useful in helping someone other than just offering. But just offering is just as important too. All those people who offered help made me feel so loved that they were just thinking of me and wanted to offer kindness. That alone was enough for me. That alone has helped me get thru this week. Knowing that I am loved. As much as I hate all the attention and people asking questions. Just the fact that they came over or called or just gave me a hug or just offered help made my burden seem a little lighter. God loves everyone. We are not alone in our trials. He is always there when we need Him. In relief society they gave us a challenge, pray so that you know when you can serve someone. So I challenge you to do the same. Don't just pray for someone to serve, pray that you will know when someone needs to be served. It could be that you see someone at the store who might need a little help. Or you just have this feeling to bring a treat over to someone in your neighborhood. Anything. Serve each other and you will bless others and you will feel of Gods love. He is real and so is His love.